Courting the unknown
I am not particularly a person who delights at the thought of the unknown. To be sure, I’m not adverse to it – my travel history and plans can attest to that – but still, I thrive best when I have some sort of plan, routine or order (hence why Contiki is so appealing to me). Additionally, I am, despite being pretty easy going, a generally anxious person. I worry, and I internalize my anxiety – making the Crohn’s so much more fun (not). 2 weeks ago (life was busy, ok) we had our introduction to clerkship meeting, and this month we have to rank our tracks.
Unsurprisingly, it made me quite anxious.
Clerkship is one of those things that, going into medical school, you know is coming. And yet, as it comes closer, as now it is a more clear part of my future rather than a part of the nebulous one, it is definitely more anxiety provoking. However, I too know that it isn’t really a fear of clerkship – I think once I get into clerkship and get into the rhythm and flow of it, I’ll be fine. Instead, this is a fear of the unknown, of the looming future:
And to be fair, it isn’t like I don’t know a bit about clerkship. At MUN, like I imagine most schools, we have a year of 6 core rotations – surgery, internal, ops, peds, family and psych – and then we have 2-4 weeks electives (whatever we want to do) and selective (picked off a list of a certain amount of things). Additionally, there is emergency and anesthesiology that are built into the other core rotations. We enter a lottery and rank our track choices:
The year above us – the current third year clerks – mentioned that their strategy was to rank the tracks so that their favoured speciality was in the middle, so that they had it when they had a little experience but also so it was earlier enough that if they didn’t love it they could schedule their electives accordingly. On that logic, I’d really like Track 4 – starting with medicine would be tough, but I think it would also be great prep for anything else, and it puts psych on the christmas break, which I think would be the best for coming back for the exam (a week after the break). Track 2, 3 and Track 6 might be my second choices, but both have detractors (surgery first and obs second aren’t super preferred), but I know I’ll make whatever I get work.
And yet, I’m anxious.
It’s the info dump, I know. All this knowledge, but no real ‘knowing.’
Clerkship is this precipice I know I’m going to have to dive into, and I suppose I’m just not in love with the fall yet. I know I will be, when the time comes. I know I’ll adapt to it. But for now, I suppose I will just have to wait and see.